I realize it has been quite some time since I have written anything. Things have been coasting along, for lack of a better term.
J and I began marriage counseling, primarily to learn to communicate more efficiently and clearly. In the process, he has discovered he has an intimacy disorder. This falls under the sex addiction umbrella, but is not really about sex at all. He sexualized his perceived need for validation and sought out those extra curricular relationships in an attempt to acquire that validation. That created a vicious cycle for him. The more he was embroiled in those relationships, the worse he felt about himself, which in turn caused him to seek further validation. Messed up? Certainly! But I do understand how it works. Actually, learning about the workings of his disorder helps me to understand that his acting out wasn’t about me being inadequate, but rather, him feeling inadequate to a degree. It also has helped me to let go of the romanticized notions that I had about his extra marital relationships. Truly, they could have been anyone. Those just happened to be the women who felt low enough about themselves to accept what little he was offering. He was not truly in love with any of them and has only regret in regards to them. So for me, this is helping me put them out of my mind. Sort of like I can just make them faceless non-factors in my mind. Just generic, abstract ideas.
He has taken it upon himself to seek individual help for his issues and is doing a remarkable job trying to get himself well. He is becoming the man that God wants him to be, and it’s brilliantly visible.
During this process, we are discovering that these men with these issues (sex addiction, porn addiction, intimacy disorders, masturbation addiction, and other sexual sin issues), are heartbreakingly under-served. To find a counselor who specializes in these things, requires a minimum of an hour drive, and they are likely to charge an astronomical hourly rate. This just makes me sad. I am convinced that the destruction of men and their families is satan’s greatest tool in the destruction of our nation and of civilized society. And the help these men need is woefully out of reach.
I am coming increasingly to the belief that God is moving us to help husbands and wives who are enmeshed in these situations. Especially in our impoverished geographical area.
All that being said, I am happy. Yes, I have “down” days, but they are few and far between. I don’t really obsess anymore because, as I said earlier, there is really nothing to obsess about. None of these other women are a threat nor are they a factor. Our conversations about any given affair or affair partner have evolved into being purely academic, almost clinical in nature. This brings us tremendous freedom to pursue what is turning out to be an amazing relationship. I look at him and instead of feeling hurt and fear, I feel love and grace. I feel joy and hope and I look so forward to the rest of this journey of life with him. Praise God, for He alone is worthy.