I know my last entry here was rather cryptic. For that, I apologize.
I have been struggling with despairing of ever having the things I desire. Not always material things. Some emotional, some physical, some existential. I worry that I will never have the marriage I want. The relationship that I fantasize about with my husband. Do I put unrealistic expectations on him? Maybe, but I don’t think I ask a lot. I fear that I will never be in the physical shape that I want to be in. It’s a silly fear, since it’s completely under my control. I choose whether or not to eat right and work out. I daydream about traveling. I fear that it will never happen. Our financial situation will not allow it. It’s not even that it has to be “big” travel. Even a weekend trip here or there would be great, but again, it doesn’t happen. I often mourn the fact that I never finished college and pursued a true career. I feel the burden of intellect wasted. Ambition denied and lost to age.
Sadly, I allow these musings to make me melancholy. I choose to focus on what my life lacks, rather than the many blessings of which I have been the beneficiary. My current mission is to overcome these “failings” and focus on being grateful. Thankfulness breeds joy. I need to rediscover my joy. It will never be found in these things I crave. It can only be found in my relationship with Christ. The sooner I commit this to heart, the sooner I jettison the feelings of loss; of unfulfilled desire.