I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want

I know my last entry here was rather cryptic.  For that, I apologize.

I have been struggling with despairing of ever having the things I desire.  Not always material things.  Some emotional, some physical, some existential.  I worry that I will never have the marriage I want.  The relationship that I fantasize about with my husband.  Do I put unrealistic expectations on him?  Maybe, but I don’t think I ask a lot.  I fear that I will never be in the physical shape that I want to be in.  It’s a silly fear, since it’s completely under my control.  I choose whether or not to eat right and work out.  I daydream about traveling.  I fear that it will never happen.  Our financial situation will not allow it.  It’s not even that it has to be “big” travel.  Even a weekend trip here or there would be great, but again, it doesn’t happen.  I often mourn the fact that I never finished college and pursued a true career.  I feel the burden of intellect wasted.  Ambition denied and lost to age.

Sadly, I allow these musings to make me melancholy.  I choose to focus on what my life lacks, rather than the many blessings of which I have been the beneficiary.  My current mission is to overcome these “failings” and focus on being grateful.  Thankfulness breeds joy.  I need to rediscover my joy.  It will never be found in these things I crave.  It can only be found in my relationship with Christ.  The sooner I commit this to heart, the sooner I jettison the feelings of loss; of unfulfilled desire.



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