In the last few days, I have wondered to myself, “Why would a person think that it’s okay to have a relationship with a married person?” Do they think that their married lover would never lie to them? Do they truly believe that what they have with their married lover is so special and unique that it really is true love and they are star-crossed soulmates? Do they care about the lack of character they display?
I have seen blogs and forum posts by 1,000’s of “affair partners”, and I can say that they all have one thing in glaring, neon common. They are all, at the very least, mildly delusional. I am sure they have read the same stories I have, but they tell themselves that their love is special. That their lover is 100% honest with them. That their lover only stays for the children. Well, if you read all those stories, then any logical person would deduce that statistically, their love isn’t special at all, and that it is just a matter of time before their lover is with them full time. Okay, but then what happens? Real life sets in. With the competition over, and grind of daily life, that relationship will also lose its luster. Reality check…. I would dare to say 95-98% of cheaters are addicted to the affair, not to their lover. They are addicted to the newness, the forbidden quality, the excitement. Again, NOT to the person they are cheating with. My husband admits that his most recent affair partner was “average”. It was the lengths that she would go to that attracted him. It’s kind of like standardized testing for school. The teachers are given the material that they are to teach toward the end of the students passing that test. In his conversations with her about me, he gave her the material she needed to beat me. We were in a competition that I knew nothing about, and she still couldn’t beat me. Why? Because she was also being lied to. She believed they were unique and special. She believed they had true love. That is where some of the delusion comes in. She asked me why I would stay with a man who was in love with another woman. Did I have such low self-esteem? Ever since then, the irony has struck me as funny. There she was questioning MY self-esteem, when she was settling for a relationship with a man who went home to his wife every night, took his wife on dates, had sex with his wife, would never take his lover out in public, and ultimately didn’t think enough of her to leave his family to be with her. I wonder if she knows that there were a couple other women he was “talking to” while he was with her. As I said earlier, there are 100’s of such stories out there, if you care to look for them.
The following excerpt was posted in a forum who married the man who left his wife for her. After a time, he left her and moved in with his lover. The cycle perpetuates. Hopefully, some affair partner will read this and learn from it. People are hurting themselves and other people under the guise of being in “llluuuurrrrvvvvveeee”. A word of caution, the heart has an amazing capacity to lie to us.
My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.
You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.
Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…
You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?
The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.
You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.
You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.
And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.
Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.
Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.
Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…
Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.
You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.
You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.
Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.
There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!
There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.
Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.
You have been warned.
And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.
Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.
To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.
Please, if you are involved in a relationship with a married person, END IT NOW. It will only end badly for all involved. No matter what you think, you don’t have that magic “thing” that will defy the odds. And if you are a repeat offender, the I pray that you consider seeking help to find out why you seek out relationships with unavailable people. If you do it intentionally, and you enjoy it, and you really don’t care, well, God help you. I pray that some day, you find Him and live the life He wants for you.