To my friends on here that are dealing with their spouse’s infidelity… Hang in there.
I promise, it gets better. It starts to hurt a little less. It takes up less of your headspace. I can’t tell you when it will get better, or how long it will take for you to go a day without thinking about it. I can tell you, if you are both working hard at it, it will happen.
A bit of advice. Try to take time to reconnect. To have judgement free conversations about anything and everything. Yes, you may have been married to each other forever, but people change. Their wants, needs, opinions, interests all evolve over time. It’s good to rediscover each other. For example, J and I had a fantastic weekend. We went to a local casino and didn’t lose any money…lol. Then we went to a local watering hole and watched our favorite college football team go on to remain undefeated. (O-H) During these outings, we had some very open, sometimes uncomfortable, tear-inducing conversation. We learned things about each other that we just assumed we knew the answers to. It’s kind of like when we were first dating and just learning about each other. It was exciting, but also very touching to know that we were still very much in love with each other and sharing our deepest selves. Finally, I feel like I have come up for air.
I am finding that, in order to cultivate an atmosphere of honesty, it’s best to reserve judgement. My initial reaction to most bad news has always been to blow up, incite panic, point fingers, assign blame, and mete out judgement. All that does is serve to stifle open communication out of fear of my reaction. That is no good for me, for him, or for our marriage. I am learning to control my facial expressions (which is supremely difficult), and temper my words until I get a grip on how I feel, what he means, and what he feels. I don’t always hear things the way he means them, so I am learning to ask the right questions in the right tone. This is not easy for me, but I feel our marriage is worth it. And I am trying to apply these things to my whole life.
In doing these things, and hearing his heart when we talk, I have finally come to the realization that the other woman really doesn’t mean anything in my marriage. She was just a symptom. Now that we are working together, she really is a non-issue who poses zero threat to the relationship we are cultivating. That was a relationship of convenience and selfishness, and it has died a magnificent death. So now, I find it is finally time for me to bury it. And frankly, I don’t intend to dig it up ever again.
It does no good for me to keep harping on his failures, his poor choices, his issues. It does no good to bring every disagreement we have, back around to his infidelity. It does no good to make him feel worse than he already does. It is now my job to build him up, help him, and support him. Just as it is his job to do the same for me. He’s done paying for his affair. It’s time to move forward.
I love my husband and he loves me. Desperately, passionately, tenderly, and fiercely. We are committed to defend that against any and all threat that comes against us….together. Together and with the grace of God.
So, hang in there. It does get better. Just be honest and do the work. I promise, it gets better.