Okay, so let’s be real here. Talk like girlfriends over a bottle of wine.
This post is going to make some of you angry. It will make some of you uncomfortable. It may make some of you nod your head in a knowing manner. This is going to be controversial. Are you ready? Are you sure? This next statement is pretty inflammatory and polarizing. Here we go…
SEX IS GOOD.
God gave us sex for many reasons, not the least of which, is pleasure. He gave women a clitoris, which is the only human body part with no other purpose than pleasure. Isn’t that a wonderful gift? And when we don’t have sex with our spouse lacking a VERY good reason, then it’s throwing God’s gift right back in his face. “What is a very good reason”, you ask? Well, actual illness (not general malaise), an injury, or maybe your period (though most men don’t really see that as an issue, and orgasm has been proven to ease cramps). Other than that, I am hard pressed to come up with a legitimate reason to deny your husband relations with you. If you are waiting for him to treat you a certain way before you “give it up”, then you will likely be waiting until Jesus comes. I tried that. It failed. All it did was serve to push my husband further away from me. Contrary to what some people would have you believe, sex is a biological imperative for men. They are driven to pursue sex. By virtue of their hormones (yes, it’s a legitimate argument), it is a very real need. And I promise you, your husband would likely rather have sex with you than anyone else. After all, he married you, didn’t he? Yes, you may have changed, he may have changed, but you are still the one he chose.
What’s that you say? Your relationship is not good? Let me suggest this…. Start initiating sex regularly with your husband. By regularly, I mean 2-3 times per week. Watch the difference this makes in the way he sees you, the way he treats you. And I don’t mean initiate and then just lay there like a starfish. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Be an active and enthusiastic participant. Try new things. Have fun. You will be amazed at the change in your marriage. You will start having those giddy new relationship feelings for each other again. And the dopamine and oxytocin that your body produces during these encounters, serves to bond you closer together, cements the positive memories, and makes you more relaxed in each other’s company. Which then leads to better, more open communication. I mean, if you can communicate openly about sex with each other, you should be able to talk about just about anything openly and honestly.
I will be honest. For the last several years, I was the wife who wanted to have sex with my husband, but rarely did, because I thought he was treating me badly. Talking to me in a nasty tone of voice. Taking me for granted. Many times when he would initiate, I made up stupid excuses. “I don’t feel real well.” “I have a headache.” “My stomach is bothering me.” “I’m really tired. Tomorrow, I promise.” Or when we did have sex, I didn’t do much more than lay there. Earlier this year, I noticed he just wasn’t interested anymore. And boy, did that bother me. Turns out, he had low testosterone levels, which tank a man’s desire. Yes, he was also carrying on an affair, but he wasn’t having sex with her, either. Once every 3-4 months maybe. Then, shortly after we found out about his testosterone deficiency, I found out about the affair. Well, in that shitstorm, something lit up my desire to have as much sex with him as I could. Maybe I was “marking my territory”, pissing on the tree, if you will. But after the 2nd week of our “hysterical bonding”, I was finding that I was really enjoying it, for it’s own sake. It ceased to be about me making him love me, and became about me really enjoying him. I decided that, no matter what, I was going to continue pursuing the improvement of our sex life. And amazingly, I have had zero desire to go back to my old prude ways. And I truly believe that in that act of “giving”, God has blessed me. He has blessed me with a husband who truly wants to make things better, treats me like a queen, and makes me feel loved and cherished. He does all he can to help me through the bog of his infidelity. We have been having sex at least every other day, more often it’s every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times. And it’s fabulous every time. We are both focused on each other and their pleasure, rather than being selfish and it is amazing. I think that is the way God intended it to be.
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me.” — Song of Songs 2:3-6
That book in the Bible is all about love between a husband and wife. It’s a love song. And if you read deeply into the poetry, it’s also kinda dirty…hehehe. It speaks to the blessing of God over the marriage bed.
Please, take my advice. Take my advice and love it!